difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. I have my dignity and that I did not have while I was with him. If youre praying for them, even in general terms, youre ACTING forgiveness and thats whats important. Thank you so much. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. I love this site, and you rock, ladies! I broke it off after a few weeks because the emotional rollercoaster was too painful but then spent the last 4 months wondering what could have been, would have been, should have been, and so on. Remorse? I know I do! Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. You deserve better than that. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. That ability would really come in handy for me right now, but I cant do that. It takes skill and practice to get good at that, I believe. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. I hate having to tell people about the split, and expose myself to their judgements but I try not to worry about it, after all they were not married to him. you deserve the best! Actually, theres nothing to forgive because he never tried to hurt me and he has always been honest, even painfully so. But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. No theological debates on here, God forbid. I had to go into therapy just for thateven relatively short term impact can be hell! Did we do anything to earn His forgiveness? How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? If this guy is attracted to a narcissistic sadist, good riddance. Carry on!! Faith that God will make things right, that God has a plan and that God is good. Thank you for your reply. Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. I know I didnt deserve the hand I was dealt. Its driving me a bit crazy! Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. Perhaps thats wrong and Im inflexible or maybe too flexible with maintaining my borders, I dont know. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? Im ususally the one trying to drag things out by conveniently forgetting that he was the one who used to nearly ignore me in the hallway, not call for days and then expect a hot night of sex,only to be gone the next day and not call again. I knowtime heals all wounds. Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. health information, we will treat all of that information as protected health Bottom line: God loves us all and wants us to love each other and get along. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. I had both forgiven and forgotten. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. We were friends last year and then ended up in bed on new years eve and I was willing to try the relationship again, but he said he didn;t want to, that I destroyed his soul the last time we were in relationship, becasue I was honest with him about his behaviours. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. A bit OTT, but saw this on Pinterest today and made me think of all of us: You may have convinced yourself that you are too broken for love, but there is someone who will prove to you that true love can heal the shattered of hearts. There is no sense. In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. I have my dignity-you are correct. You will always remember. Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. The best revenge is your own happiness and success! He just kept saying we could get together and talk. It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. Im confused. Thank you. And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. Forgiveness. In the saga of Sagittarius Hailey Bieber vs. Cancer queen Selena Gomez it's a battle of fire and water, hooves and claws complete with body shaming, eyebrow shading and social media slings and arrows. *Meditate if you dont already. DONT. My Mother believes if he really and truly had serious intentions, his ego and my not responding to him would not prevent him from reaching out to me. You won't forgive her. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. It sounds like youre dismissing the red flags because you are attracted to him. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. I am filled with anger although we have very limited contact. This was a constant fight when we were a couple and one of the reasons I kept breaking it off with him. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation. Meaning: You will do something harmful to her because . Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. Running upto women and then checking them out, the slurs, even in jest.dont you remember how many times many of us are told oh lighten up its just a JOKE ? That matured my arse up real quick. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. Ive been 1 year out of an unhealthy 3.5 year relationship, and Im struggling with thoughts about breaking 6 months no contact with her. Same people. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. We just cant take anymore! It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. This response is different from holding a grudge. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. Pray for you, wish tbe best for YOU. In a word. All rights reserved. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view. As time went on, it just became my way of being to be able to take up for or care of myself when someone was treating me badly. You have to do whats necessary to protect you! Maeve, thank you. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! This happened to me or similar. Its more lime an addiction. When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Thanks for being patient with me! My mother has always been narcissistic, verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful. You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. hll get the message! | Meaning, pronunciation, translations and examples and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Thinking a bit more about what's going on can help you figure out if you're canceling plans because you truly want to stay in or because there's something else going on. Stay up to date with what you want to know. the unsubscribe link in the e-mail. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. Should I break the no contact? . He also conveniently forget to tell me that his old friend was coming to visit and the relationship is not platonic his words!!! When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. Once its over, be it a romance or a friendship, I dont want to be bothered anymore. Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. Ill definitely remember that. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. Thank you so much for putting it into words. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. I guess Natalie would say let it go. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Thanks Bubble I tried explaining to the AC, and to my old friend that or friendship would get affected with this new dynamic and I felt hurt. My ex EUM and I broke up a week ago and were emailing and he didnt email me all weekend and I was happy. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. What makes someone do that? Itll be wasted emotion on your end. It was not a playful act, its who he was. Im struggling a lot with my self worth at the moment (even if rationally I know that it does not depend on him). Things ended with my ex-EUM almost eight months ago, but I still remember everything and thats been the hardest part. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. I just cant and wont do things from a place of anxiety because it wreaks havoc on my nervous system. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. Im sorry for you too. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. However, when taking the subway, a man recognized me from high school, someone who I knew of from a mutual friend in school but thats it. "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off," Connie L. Habash, a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Ready you should be celebrating! It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. My bad! I said thats just what you say about me. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? But I will feel better! I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. But. How he acted towards me said more about him than it did about me. The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening. Holding onto feelings of resentment is a surefire way to tell that you're not over an issue. You think. Even if you think you are not good enough for love or that you dont deserve love, know that the moment true love is revealed to you will be the very moment you could live in for eternity. In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). These are practical things you can do to get out of his crazy head and into your own for some serious soul-searching (which is far more productive). This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. I feel murderous rage toward my egg donor. None of these are likely. My ex never took drugs, lazed around drinking beer in his undershirt and never even hit me. Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". But I dont seem to find peace. What better reason can anyone need? Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. 4th ed. Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Text book I tell you. ago. Holding grudges is one of the top ways that people lose valuable relationships. You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. Boundary or grudge, whats the difference? I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you.

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