why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. And so, some of us feel were responsible for everything, a pattern that was likely embedded in your brain and heart as a vulnerable child. Example [ extreme] you have the right to use drugs because you think it makes you happy. Ask yourself: Would I like to change? I thought it was going to be a historical documentary and was amazed to find it was the story of my family. It is such a common pattern of thinking, feeling, and doing, and you're right - it causes problems. consistent on your spiritual path. I watched Queen Victoria's Children, in three parts, on Youtube. All Rights Reserved. It is not our job to make our kids happy. Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. I include some resources around addiction recovery in this postand at the bottom of this post. Dont forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heartfilled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. I blog here. Tell her it is for her blood pressure, because it will help that too. I am also working with a therapist. You feel like youre going to have a nervous breakdown when you hear about turbulent world events. Not taking responsibility for someone's happiness is much different that not caring about others' feelings, thoughts, etc. Sometimes I believe that all parents do things for their. 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success. She seems to like it best when all of my waking hours are focused on my "to-do" list. I'm an only child, too (at 62 years old, for petesake), and my mother has made me the focus of her entire life, calling it 'love' and 'caring'. Notice when you are catering to the needs of others. If you have a critical inner voice that is constantly judging and blaming you, notice it (how could you not?) It's never the responsibility of someone else. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. You're chosen a solid resource when it comes to CBT and working with a therapist can do wonders. Upstream, of course she's most content when you are working on your "to-do" list, she feels in control. The solution is simple though it might not be easy:Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming others. You may present yourself in one way when you actually feel a different way underneath. That number felt too high for the reality of their current symbiotic avoidance of pain. 3. This responsibility for others happiness ultimately causes anxiety. No, you are not misunderstanding this! With love, Sandra. Some people maintain a basic core belief (click here for a short video explaining about core beliefs) that if our partner feels pain, it is our responsibility or fault, and we must fix them, cheer them up, give them a hug, protect them, and so on. The hard truth is that there was little, if anything, they could have done. We have to be conscious of the fact that its not our responsibility to change, or heal, or help, or resurrect anyone from their own issues and feelings. You sound like a very caring person. How to Stop the Misery: Change it and you language to I language. It often begins innocently enough: for myriad reasons, we care, and we want others to be happy. People who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing. I think this might be stemming from the fact that when I was growing up my father always took the role of being the mediator. If she does not want to socialize, spend time and effort with others, well of course she will be lonely. People may not be show up the way you want them to, but when you accept them where they are you can let go, forgive and release. Stop beating yourself up for everything that goes wrong. And all the rest of the BS 24/7. You're very welcome, Maria! How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)? Youll feel immediate relief. You're sensitive and compassionate. I really need to break this behavior. When they do, get up and get out. PostedJanuary 24, 2017 Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. You couldnt survive a day if it werent for the kindness of others. After I got out on my own, that went away and I believe it was due to getting out of the depressed household of my parents. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. Curious? Skip to the front of the line by calling (888) 848-5724. I can't handle this on my own. Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. After illuminating their core belief, he said that hes now ready to really hear his partners pain. They start avoiding sensitive topics, constructive feedback, frustrations, and conflictual tensions in the relationship in order to avoid hurting each other. I am now having anxiety attacks worrying about them an trying to figure out how to help them. Scribe Publications. We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. Its the same for everyone else too. 10/10/2016 16:38. I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. Thank you so much for your reply, Tanya. I feel all their problems are because of me and I am worthless and cannot ever do anything to repay for what they are doing for me. Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. The pressure to be responsible for my mother's happiness weighs heavily. This dynamic keeps the relationship poorly differentiated. With time, such a process will slowly rewire your brain and help you internalize that you cannot prevent your partner from feeling pain. A practice of gratitude is one of the easiest and most rewarding good habits you can develop. Mental health is not hard . Keep an open mind. The other you simply cannot. How to Stop the Misery: Instead of comparing your situation to that of others, make your own life as good as possible. But theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems and make them happy. Mom, not so much. You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. For example, you can learn to listen instead of interrupting. It is true that we do need to be responsible for the portion of our happiness within our control but we also need to realize that we all affect each other's happiness and we are responsible for that. Send them a lot of love, set positive intentions for them and speak positively about them when youre not with them. When theyre ready for that change to come into their life, then youll be there. Reflect to examine if you hold a core belief that you are responsible for your partner's feelings, or that their pain is your responsibility, or that it is your responsibility to keep your partner happy at all times. T = Take charge and make the decision to change. Research shows that when you make the conscious decision to change, you are more likely to be successful. The minute a . What would I do if she died? The way he reacted to me yesterday must mean that he doesnt really love me, despite what he says. If my boss fires me, Ill never be able to find another job and will end my life in dire poverty.. Looking for suggestions. That is unavoidable and natural. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. At first, all you have to do is notice and increase your awareness. Every one of us has experienced turning points in our lives. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. As far as the 'suicide threat' goes, it's bs, you know that. Queen Victoria seems to have written the guidebook for narcissistic mothers. What quiet "do it himself" activities are suitable and interesting for an older man with vascular dementia? They will die if you leavelife isn't worth living. Just know you can choose whether to give it power or let it go. It means you allow them to be where they are and you dont try to change them. Use your newly forming beliefs to shift your actions away from people-pleasing and more toward people-supporting (and you are a people to support, too). Have her committed for a 72 hour watch. She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. Please check your inbox and confirm your subscription. Gordon, L. H. (1996). How to stop the misery: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and positive self-talk. I cried the other day because I bought steak to try and cheer him up and he decided to skip dinner. Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. I was told that he's not responsible for my emotional reaction because he cannot help that I was hurt. Her work can be found on Role Reboot, Alternet, and on her blog: Two Parts Smart-Ass; One Part Wisdom. When you change your thoughts and feelings about another person, you change your energy toward them. Your local library might have this book, as she's so well-known. Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. Read On! Such automatic reactivity keeps you in a symbiotic relationship, where both partners are wary of sharing the pain or burdening their partner, and ones difficulties are experienced as a huge emotional burden on the partner. His therapist has been trying to get him to understand that he can't be responsible for anyone else's emotions or happiness and he's interpreted it to mean he's free to do and say whatever he wants without consideration of how his actions are affecting others. Gradually, make choices much more in harmony with your True Self. Say no to activities and people that drain your self-confidence and energy. SHE is the queen and should be chauffeured around, yada yada. You have to keep strong and use this site to know that you are making boundaries and getting healthier for yourself. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. Everyone has their own guidance system, whatever it is they believe in whether thats intuition, angels, spirit guides, the Universe or God. While humans make themselves suffer in many ways, here are 10 common sources of self-caused suffering, which I've dubbed "Misery-Makers," along with 10 suggestions for stopping: Misery-Maker 1: Inventing and dwelling upon painful inner dramas that have little or no basis in fact. Feeling as though we have sole responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. We need more time. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their. You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain. You feel you're responsible for your parents' marital conflicts. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. Almost there! Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. Then ask yourself: Was I really responsible for what happened? Is it really my fault that he didnt ask me out again? Can I really control her drinking? Remind yourself that you can only really control your own behavior.

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