when metamours don't get along

Emily:It's a challenging one. You can also ask yourself, does this person have a reputation for treating others badly? That's an important distinction we always need to make. The metamours in this relationship are not friends and may never meet. That it is worth it to take that time to really figure that out for yourself and to find a way to be like, "How can I actually enjoy these relationships? Our social media wizard is Wilt McMillan. It is okay to enforce clear boundaries around the fact that you won't listen to that particular type of talk or that you will speak up and be like, "Hey, actually I don't think that you should be telling me this or saying this to me or I'm not going to continue this conversation if it's going to be just insulting this particular person.".

You know what? Emily:Initially, listen and support both of your partners for sure, be there for them in as best a way as you can. WebWhen metamours don't get along. ", Emily:I'm never going to be as good at languages as the two of you are but that's okay. I think that obviously shaming and blaming isn't a great way to go about this. We're going to end things out on-- We have to cover this because it comes up in the patron group, it's always a question that's asked, and it's, "Okay, but what if I have a problem with my metamour, because I think my metamour is abusing my partner, in some way, either physically abusive, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, whatever and maybe it's based on, I just think that that's the case, or the behavior that my partner display seems to be the case, or maybe my partner has straight-up told me that this person is abusive, any number of scenarios.". I think that'll give you the That's why, again, using NVC just to talk about observations to your partner, it could be like, "Hey, at that event on Friday that we were all out, I noticed that this person was acting this way or saw that they did this. Lots of twins dont get along. We cover a different topic every month, such as managing jealousy, getting along with metamours, group sex, finding partners, coming out, etc.

If you have some dislike for your metamour for some reason, it really doesn't matter what the reason is, it's really easy to then start to read into things too much or really come up with some interesting subjects for like, otherwise innocuous seeming text messages or to be able to find and see more evidence that your metamour is a bad person, total confirmation bias. They were so nice. I did find some solace in being able to vent to other people. We know it is a fundamental. We would say that texting is okay but it does limit the face-to-face interaction that you have with this person and a lot of the nuance and subtext that can happen from having a face-to-face conversation can be lost. I just want to express my dissenting opinion about this one. That's not a unique experience of having a friend who doesn't get along with me, or my partner's friends doesn't get along with me or I don't like them or having trouble getting along with a partner's family or something like that.

Something that you pointed out, Dedeker, when were doing the research for this episode, you were feverishly looking through our episodes saying, "Well, we must have done this like a year ago or a couple months ago and we totally haven't". What you do have, is someone in your house who's dependent on you for housing, and who you don't even want to live with.

Again, we will forward you to our episode on the basics of boundaries to remember that boundaries are going to be placed on yourself, it's not going to be about you policing how much your partner does or doesn't get to hang out with this particular person, but just how your own behavior is concerned. I think there is value to that and to being like, "Dude, you're in a relationship with me, not this other person, you need to fucking get over this because this is hurting me, this sucks." That it's okay to take time away for yourself to recalibrate and connect to what it is you actually want. I think I didn't do that enough because I definitely also ended up mouthing off to my partner and saying some really mean things in the spur of the moment about this person because of my frustration. I don't think it's because I think I've seen some people their dislike of their metamour or the issue they have with their metamour, maybe something that is more complex than just I feel insecure around them but maybe that's wrapped up in it. It's not about you, it's not your decision to make, you know what I mean? Really be mindful of that.

We're going to get to scenario C where you're the person who's in the middle, but is don't let them do it. I'm not supposed to be comparing myself to this person". 086 079 7114 [email protected]. They're so focused on how much they don't like this other person or how much they think this other person is the cause of these problems, that they don't realize how much they're hurting you in the process of disliking that person. Not how did someone else feel in this relationship with them. But just remember that. It's out there. Develop a better understanding of yourself. They may be okay with sticking in this place of resentment and anger, or it may just be that case for a while, for a number of years even. This is all just more really helpful exploratory things to help inform the next step or what conversations you may need to have about this person.

Just basically anything that you can do to avoid making your partner into your metamour's representative or their defense attorney. We're going to end things out on-- We have to cover this because it comes up in the patron group, it's always a question that's asked, and it's, "Okay, but what if I have a problem with my metamour, because I think my metamour is abusing my partner, in some way, either physically abusive, emotionally abusive, verbally abusive, whatever and maybe it's based on, I just think that that's the case, or the behavior that my partner display seems to be the case, or maybe my partner has straight-up told me that this person is abusive, any number of scenarios.

They will then go, "Well, I'll talk to them about that. INSIDER spoke to Roger Strecker, a certified behaviorist, about how to talk to people you don't get along with. That's an important distinction we always need to make. Dedeker:I've made this mistake many times.

I think something that's going to come up again and again in this discussion is that, at the end of the day, you do have to let your partner make their decisions and trust them to make their decisions.

It's like you said, invalidating that in a way and that should ache, so just don't do it. I know there's that theory floating around and this is a theory that's floating around like outside of the polyamory non-monogamy sphere but this idea that, if you meet someone and you don't like them it's because they reflect back to you some qualities of yourself that you don't like. If they're unique and they're also not. I think that's challenging but it can be the case and something to think about there. Dedeker:First of all, I will just direct people to just do your homework on NVC, there's plenty of resources out there to talk about non-violent communication, what the different steps are.

Bear in mind that direct intervention, I think when we know that someone's in an abusive relationship, it's really easy to feel like, "Okay, we got to sweep in and save them. It's exploring those, asking those questions, where is this coming from? It's like money zone. Sometimes it's like, "Oh, maybe I lied to this person," or, "I really didn't respect this person's feelings and then that just added fuel to the fire, essentially, of what's going on between my two partners.". Webwhen metamours don't get along. You don't know. Sometimes it's that simple, sometimes it's not that simple. Then on the other hand is, remembering that can help you avoid falling into the trap of just doing the same thing back to them. Multiamory is created and produced by Jase Lindgren, Dedeker Winston and me Emily Matlack. Posted April 4, 2023 at 3:38 PM EDT.

I think it is important, even though you may be like, "Hey, this ended really badly last time, I don't know if you should do this again."

They will then go, "Well, I'll talk to them about that. This isn't just so simple as like don't send messages through them, but your mutual partner is probably going to try to do this by default. ", Emily:That's what I tried to do every time I met my job and people talking and they're like, "Wait, are you that? It can definitely be helpful to get that outside opinion. Maybe to them they're like, "I had terrible nausea that night." By NPR's Washington Desk. Home; About; Episodes; Follow; Contact; March 22, 2023 by kendra andrews and malika. Again, like all of these questions that we're going to ask ourselves in these scenarios are going to be ones that are really good to try to figure out because often like you're going to be bringing your own personal biases into this relationship with your metamour. Doing that for us and for this show would be incredibly helpful in growing this community even larger and larger and then also, of course, just sharing it with people being like, "Hey, listen to this show. Jase:Then you've come to the right place. Just avoiding that basically and just really taking care in the way that you choose to talk to your partner about it. However, that doesn't necessarily mean that with someone else that experience would be the same.

I think Emily's suggestion as good as love like giving yourself a chance to humanize this person and form your own. Sometimes you love them, sometimes they're your least favorite person in the world but if you are polyamorous, you need to at least learn to live with metamours. This week's sponsor is Quip. What have I heard or what have I gotten is that fueling my dislike of this person? Maybe they were feeling angry about this thing," and you're like, "Why would they be angry about that thing?" She is 100% off limits until she has other housing arrangements. I've definitely found for myself, it can get to this can really cognitively shove that part down and just not even acknowledge that what's going on is I do feel like, "This person is better than me in some way," I don't even let myself entertain that thought because I'm like, oh well, I'm way too much of an evolved poly person to do that. I want one."

She loved it. That said, the pair No, that doesn't happen as often and said like--, It does happen and it's awesome and then also just talking loudly to my coworkers about the podcasts and then people are like, "What? Because we do have such a long precedence of when you get into a relationship with somebody or when you marry somebody or whatever, you inherit all that person's relationships as well their existing relationships, as well as any new relationships.

We hear those stories and I think sometimes can feel very guilty or feel very bad if that's not the experience we're having. Stop them from doing it, ask them not to do it. Or, "No, actually, I think that is justified for you to think that". Okay, back to metamours.

You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to patreon.com/multiamory.

It's, first of all, something important to bear in mind as you interact with this person but then also good to get another set of eyes on the situation.

With all of this, the last thing we just want to reiterate that it's not about you. Was that something that I observed that I have a personal experience with this person like witnessing them or directly experiencing them treating me or someone that I know badly?

The second one is going to be, if you can, try to talk to your metamour about this, about this issue that might be happening if you know what the issue is, even if you don't. Collectively they are all metamours.

of like, "Okay, was that something that I heard from someone else? Jase:Also if you want to spread the word and allow more people to hear this stuff and get this information, one of the best ways you can do that besides actually just sharing it with people and reposting it places, is to take a couple minutes and write us a review on iTunes or on Stitcher. Keep your eyes peeled. Thats where metamour becomes a handy word: 1 The mour part denotes love or intimacy like paramour or thats amor! 2 Meta denotes a broader perspective, a systems view that takes more than just a dyad (the atomic unit of interpersonal More

Thankfully, the women put their differences behind them in time to star in the "90210" revival, "BH90210" in 2019. If there's special events or special things that you want to do, we can communicate about that so that we're not both competing for making plans on the same days or something." I think it's just that with the metamour thing, we already come to it with these really negative cultural scripts around what that relationship should be. However, there are some particular things to this scenario that will be helpful. Related to that, another question to ask yourself is, is my dislike this person based in the fact that they remind me of someone from my past that I don't like?

That means it can be like, "Hey, I've noticed that the last three times that I've sent you a message on social media, you haven't responded," for instance, or a significant amount of time passes by without a response, or it could be like, "Hey, I noticed last week when we were at that event together, I came up to talk to you and you weren't making eye contact or you would move away." Dina went onto the Jeff Lewis Live Sirius XM show Is it about them?

I'm not supposed to be comparing myself to this person". I think they'd definitely, yes.

If you're happy with the same old ways of dating--.

That's pushy, and they're always feeling like they're being coerced or pressured into always doing what the other person wants and not them.

If you are having an issue with a metamour.

Obviously, sometimes it won't.

That again doesn't mean that you need to badmouth the other partner to each of them, but simply just be a listening ear and employ understanding to both of them because understandably it might be difficult in both scenarios. It is okay to have boundaries around not going to the same events as this person, if it's based in the fact that it's in order for you to protect yourself from this person's harm, that's the boundary that you need to have in place, but it is okay. jennifer hageney accident; joshua elliott halifax ma obituary; abbey gift shop and visitors center

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With that, we wanted to move briefly into our ad. I think what I feel, my opinion of what's most important here when confronting a metamour is to use the first step of NVC which is the stating an observation rather than an interpretation.

For example, I've got a message once from one of my metamours, metaphors, [laughs] from one of my metamours-. I hope we'll get into that a little bit more later. I don't know.

I think what Emily brought up, though, that I think is important that it's more about, I need you to figure this out in a way that makes you not treat me badly because of it and not cause trouble in our relationship because of it, whereas I would definitely agree, don't shame or say, you have to get along with this person, or you have to like this person or to try to coerce them into some relationship that they don't want. Leave us a voicemail at 678 M-U-L-T-I 05 or you can leave us a voice message on Facebook. Yes.

Dedeker:What would it be called, like Quip? Jase:With all of this, the last thing we just want to reiterate that it's not about you. WebWhen metamours don't get along My husband is currently dating two girls, one for almost a year and the other for a couple months. Again, asking is okay but pushing someone into something, as in pushing your partner into like, "You've got to leave this person," or, "You need to get help," or, "You need to call this person." polyamory, polyamorous, anger, relationship help, expression, advice, self-care, communication, polyamory, polyamorous, insecurities, insecure, relationship escalator, humility, attachment theory, codependency, coping mechanisms, therapy. Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will not help. It's just going to set up for just a much better conversation around what the actual behavior is. There are things you can speak up, you can express concern for their safety without judgment, doesn't have to be a judgment of them staying in the relationship or being with this person, but it is okay to speak up and express that you are concerned about them and about what's going on in the relationship. It's going to be like some of the same advice that we applied to when you don't like your metamour, doing a lot of examination and stuff like that. Does that mean that, if my partner is into this, how could they also be into me?

Does that mean that, if my partner is into this, how could they also be into me? I would never, never think that.

get along phrase.

I will say that I liked the way that Emily phrased it better than saying, "You need to fucking get over this." If your metamour is comfortable disrespecting their Whether it's an inconsiderate roommate, an aggravating colleague, or a friend of a friend who always crashes plans, talking to people you don't get along with is part of life. However, there are some particular things to this scenario that will be helpful.

Dedeker:Well, hopefully by the time this comes out we'll be comfortably past that number.

Maybe in those instances, like go out with this person to coffee or something and try to get to know them and try to see like, "Hey, do I agree with that or can I build a separate idea of who I think this person is? We just can't, that's just what we've decided, is we're both going to have boundaries around, we can't be friends, we can't hang out with each other.

Webhow much rain did wisconsin dells get yesterday.

The boundary is not, "I'm putting a boundary on you, don't say this." I've definitely found that if you're really struggling with the dislike or if you're really struggling with some of these questions, you really can't quite place your finger on exactly what it is. We want to hear from you what has happened in these scenarios? Another thing to keep in mind is to just take care if you're going to make the choice to talk to your partner about your metamour not liking you. It is common to say, they are too much alike, with the implication that the similarity causes the clash.

Those are all factors going on and that's so much more of it's about them and not about you, and this one can be hard.

Because let me tell you, there have been so many times with friends actually who have some tiff with somebody where they'll show me a text message and exchange and be like, "Can you believe that they said this?"

It's like you said, invalidating that in a way and that should ache, so just don't do it. It could be a thing where it's like you're at that party, you saw the way that your metamour behaved and to you, you were like, "They must have some problem with me." Or whatever," she said.

Crap, what's the URL?

Is there something about the tone of their voice or about the way that they speak or the things that they're interested in or the way that they style themselves that I'm just like, "I had an experience with someone like that once that left a bad taste in my mouth and now, I'm automatically projecting that onto this person".

I really appreciate that that person did that thing or that my partner did that with my other partner. Jase:By using that promo link, tryquip.com/multiamory, you get $10 off your first refill so your first refill will be free. Those are all factors going on and that's so much more of it's about them and not about you, and this one can be hard. The first way is through Patreon and we've talked about that a little bit on this show already because our $5 and up Patreons get the wonderful opportunity of becoming a part of our Patreon only Facebook group, which is an amazing community of, I think most recently we got to 666 members, which, oh man. Just remember that.

", I guess this idea of giving this person a chance, this feels like such a thing that's like so case specific and it's hard to give broad advice but it seems like I would think that if it's a thing where you've only heard rumors maybe or you just heard gossip, maybe trying to give a chance. Jase:I feel like there's levels to this. Jase:Well, of course, sure.

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